You’ve never told the truth, and you have decided to keep your dishonesty for all time, believing that what you drove him to somehow absolves you of your sins. Never having acknowledged that you did want his attention, after he was nice to you, seeking him out, calling his name, standing near him as if you wanted to be closer. Never admitting the hugs and the innuendos, which, of course, have left your dysfunctional memory. But, the whole while, speaking badly of him to others and spinning distortions you could use to justify yourself. Did you tell them those things? No. You mislead everyone. 

You were mad, angry at being called out for your flirtations. You were angry because he tried to help you. But you knew what you were doing the whole time, and, so, you condemned him for his caring in your childish petulance. Acted as if he were the one who had transgressed. All he did was care. 

You lied, and you plan to hold those lies next to your tainted heart until your last breath, twisting the truth to excuse yourself. You seek any justification for never having to come clean, placated by those you keep ignorant to what really happened. The self-serving nature of it is pathological. You judged him, tried to diagnose him, when you already needed decades of therapy, to give yourself excuses. He wanted to help you, take away the pain and distrust, to give you the real love you claimed to want so badly. Your actions have never matched your words, and your words are spoken to appease the views of others because you have no will of your own. Your god will judge you for it, though you do not truly follow any god. Your actions prove it. 

You believe you are above him, and you thought you could dismiss him, as if he did not exist, cast him off and demonize him, as if you were pure and righteous. You are neither. You think you are worth so much, but what do you have to base that upon except being wanted by perverted vermin, who see you as a neurotic child they can use. All you have is a perpetual tie to a perverse con man you knew was a degenerate and what you pretended and still pretend to be, what isn’t even real. 

You were never worth his affection. You did not deserve his attention. His love was for someone who was kind and loyal. You are neither. It was for someone who had a heart that transcended the mundane vices in life, as you portrayed yourself, but, again, that was not real. His affection was for someone who needed real love. You couldn’t care less for it. You are wicked and foul-tongued, and your desires are base and have nothing to do with the words of the one you call Savior. You don’t care about love or honesty. You care about pricey dinners and diamonds. You are deceptive and using, and you consciously choose to remain that way. And no assurances from your supporters can ever change that truth and you know their words are empty, because you haven’t told them everything. You know what you are. 

He did not think he could ever hate you, but you have proven him wrong. You wanted an enemy to cry about to your crowd, and you have one. But he does not care enough about you to pursue revenge. You aren’t worth even that. So delete all you’ve collected, you deceitful, scheming hag, for it will not avail you. You will simply rot in your dishonesty, becoming uglier, continuing your self-delusion. Go find another patsy for your ugliness. You have plenty to choose from, as you let them in knowing what they are, all the while crying about him, who is better than them all combined. Go try to change your life, as you think you’re doing now. You’re changing nothing but faces and places. You are still a liar and a fraud, who has never come clean. That is what follows you forever and it cannot be washed off. It lives in your soul, no matter how much you deny it, ignore it. It is worse than having a record. 

You will never know real love, as hard as you make believe. You will never have real loyalty, because you’re not worth being loyal to, as you have no true loyalty. You choose lies over honesty, and that is all you will find in return. Like finds like. You are an ugly person, who did not deserve his affection. You are ugly and a liar forever. Go live your life predicated upon deceit and shallowness and find deceit and shallowness in return, because that is what you seek. Go fuck your ugly little men and know that, no matter how hard you pretend, you will never have anything real, because you are not real. And no amount of denial of his words will make any of it less true. 

He is tired, and he is dead inside. You have destroyed his capacity for love. And if he ever finds enough peace to be silent about your lies, know this — it does not excuse you. You are neither forgiven nor absolved of your sins. It changes nothing, though you let it drift from your uncaring mind. It stays on you always, an eternal stain, a permeating stink, and it lies underneath every interest you undertake. Whenever someone coos in your ear, you will know you are false and your feelings imagined. You will know you are a user, as you copy the behavior of the horrible men you’ve known. Everything you do from now on is predicated from it, because you cannot be honest. Hence, nothing you ever do, no feeling you think you feel, no interest from vermin will ever be true. If you can live knowing that, as it appears you can without qualm, then you already know what you are. You are ugly. You are not good. You are not full of faith, unless faith is a lie itself. You are a lie.