You owe me. And no amount of denial will ever make that fact go away. You owe me for the time you stole from me. You owe me for the attention you took under false pretenses. If I had known what you were, if you had been honest, I would never have given it to you. You owe me for my compassion, which you used. And you owe me for what you’ve made me into, which you did by being melodramatic for no reason. And you will owe me forever, no matter how much you ignore it, no matter the excuses you invent and the blame you cast, no matter how many people tell you you don’t. 

Am I saying it was all your fault? No. That is your sociopathic projection, not mine, and you excuse yourself because you hated the response. You rearrange time to let yourself off the hook. It’s dishonest and doesn’t excuse you of your guilt. You can hate me all you want, but you still owe me. And, even if you try to forget it all by submersing yourself in bullshit with someone just like those from your past, it makes no difference. You still owe me. 

If you actually believe in the faith you profess, then you must find some way to make me whole again. It is your responsibility. Deny it and show yourself to be one who simply uses your faith as a shield from your own sins. If you don’t believe your faith dictates that you make it up to me in some way, then your faith has no meaning. It’s just words, self-absolution with nothing behind it. 

I have paid. You have not. If you believe that is fair, simply because you think what I did in response to what you did is worse, then you are nothing but a spoiled fraud who takes no responsibility. I loved you. I supported you when you were being taken advantage of and you shit on me anyway. So you owe me, and you know how easily you could heal that gap. You refuse because you are not a truthful person, and you put your arrogance before your morality and your faith.

You can ruin your life more any way you want to. I can’t and don’t want to stop you. If you want to repeat your past mistakes again, that’s on you. You just don’t learn. But I will never relinquish my claim to what you owe me. It doesn’t matter where you go, who you claim your heart belongs to, or anything else. What happened was unnecessary and stupid and you acted just as stupidly as I did. But you want to keep acting that way, so you don’t have to admit anything. And that makes you a “bad” person. You and I both know you don’t think you are, so prove you’re not and do it in a substantive way that has meaning. You owe more than an apology. You owe me a piece of you in some way, for the piece of me you stole with your act and destroyed. And since you do not want me in your life in any capacity, and I loathe you for your silence, though you have forgiven worse than I, you need to come up with some way to do that. Do something. Because, even though I’m not religious, I’m pretty sure what you did, and what you continue to do, isn’t something you can just blow off without any actual remorse. I couldn’t, and I have no command to atone. You do. 

So ignore me forever, if that’s what you plan to do. Screw yourself over by choosing what is obviously worse than I ever was or could be. It’s your life. But all you reap in doing so is my hatred, your condemned soul, and the perpetual psychological blowback of knowing that you did not fix what you could have let be fixed, and given what you could have given, which would have cost you so little. It’s not a guilt trip or gaslighting because it’s true. You know it is. You will have to live with the fact that you’re not a good person, just a jerk who lied, accepts no responsibility, and pawns off all your sins on others. It means you’re a liar forever, and that means everything you touch, everything you start, is based on your lack of honesty. It means any “love” you find is predicated upon a lie. If you can live like that than there’s more wrong with you than anything you or your enablers may think of me. It means your life from now on will be nothing but a story you made up. 

You judged me without cause, based upon distortions from others that you encouraged. And you treated me in a way that you lied yourself into believing made you kind. You thought you could act a certain way toward me, and them blame me when I returned it, both in come ons and cruelty. It made you a liar, and you know it. You know what you did. You know you kept it going, and you know you were being deceitful, in more than one way and to more people than just me. You know you mischaracterized on purpose and smeared with premeditation, and you know you made things up to make it worse. If you can deny it, if you can just cast all the blame on me, then you are the one with serious problems. You benefitted from bias, from stereotypes. You should have experienced the same that I did. But shitty people let you off based upon their outmoded biases, and those same shitty people are lying their asses off right now. And they will probably still win, because there is no justice. You’re living proof of that. If you have any conscience, you’ll give me part of your soul in some way. 

Pay your debt. Be done with it. But, if all you have the capacity for is silence, denial, ad spite, then don’t ever call yourself a person again. You’re not. Stop pretending you care about anything but yourself. You don’t. You’re the monster you tried to make me into.