I have faced a grievous loss, 

Not too long ago, 

Foundation shaking, 

Making me feel alone in the world, insecure.

And before that I was hurt deeply, 

By one I betrayed myself. 

But I must press on, I tell myself. 

So I throw myself at you, 

You without a name, with no real face to me, 

To escape the pain, 

To escape the loneliness, 

To escape the fear of having no one. 

To escape the mistakes I’ve made with another. 

I throw myself at you, 

Though you are bad for me, using my grief for yourself, 

I try to bury my sadness in a forced love, 

A convenient encounter I build into a fantasy without substance. 

For I cannot face the loss nor the debt I owe, 

Cannot face what I really desire. 

So I hide in you, though you know it and use it. 

I know it is a lie, too fast, emotions distraught and seeking stability, 

But it is still a lie, like others I will never admit. 

I don’t want you. 

I want an excuse, an exit, a pretense to forget. 

So I throw myself at you, knowing it is not real. 

I will pretend, while my heart bleeds.