He simply had neither the time left nor the will to rebuild his life, and wished with all he had that it would just go away. But it persisted, day in and day out. She, the one who had created the entire issue with her falsity yet denied it, had walked away, as if she’d done nothing, and would simply attach herself to whatever artificial man crawled out of the wall whom she thought could provide her with the material desires and desire for status that she harbored … and also denied. Whichever amoral sludge it would be wouldn’t love her, not for real, as there wasn’t anything there to love really, and he had no true capacity for it anyway. Her personality was not hers, and she just did, just believed, whatever she thought she was supposed to. She had given up on her true self years before, and she, paradoxically, still had a gigantic ego but no self-esteem, simultaneously. Her actions against the one who’d loved her, the borderline psychotic and unnecessary drama created for no reason that had led to such disaster, was not even her own choice, a product of her being torn in two directions by conflicting mandates instilled within her. But to her suitors she was just a body, something to possess, no matter what they said, because they had no souls and made that apparent, just ants, following the edicts of a culture with no soul. They would take anyone who would bow to them. But she had never really wanted love. If she had, she would not have married whom she’d married, as self-important, puling adult infants with foul mouths, spewing base bigotry, sexism, and vulgarity, couldn’t really love anyone but themselves, men detached from anything real. She did not learn, however.
So he cursed her every morning and every night. But he also longed for a second chance that could never happen, the opportunity to do things differently. But there was no rewinding time, and she was incapable of epiphany, incapable of retracting her edict, not even because she couldn’t but because those she relied upon for a semblance of a life constrained her mind to an excessive degree. She was not allowed to follow her heart, or have much of one except in the shallowest of terms. They’d taught her to be cruel and cavalier, to call things “gay” and mock real emotions. The edict was not even hers but given to her, as she was unable or unwilling to see what really mattered … because it did not exist in her world. It was not allowed to. She had lived in a self-imposed cage for years, and now she’d convinced herself that she’d left it. But she’d only gone more deeply into it, more deeply into being controlled. She’d only reemerged into the cage built by them. But she would get what she wanted, or thought she wanted, though her wants were predefined for her, and, maybe, eventually, when it was far too late, she would realize that it wasn’t anything to want, that she had wasted her life on lousy men and vain desires, on a plastic reality her mind had forced her to conceive of as “life,” silencing her heart.
Or maybe she never would.
He would simply exist, and only be happy again when the day came that he was released from a world of degenerates, degenerates she had chosen over him, human animals turned into greedy, soulless machines, passionless, fake, jaded, and cruel, though they all wore smiles and pretended they were still human ... and contributed nothing worthwhile to the world. They were already dead, and she had chosen to join them.