Before you make your last mistake, though you likely already have … STOP. 

Stop and think and ask yourself if this is what you really want or is it just convenient? Look at him for real, with no thoughts of what you might gain. You suffered recent major loss and lost a year since then. Is this really the time to make a decision such as this? Are your emotions really stable enough to make this choice? Then ask yourself where he came from? Why all of a sudden? You’ve known him for decades and he’s never shown interest. Neither have you. So why did that change all of a sudden? Did he come to you when you were hurting, when he saw an opening? That is not what a real man does. A real man does not take advantage of a time like that to get what he suddenly, inexplicably wants. Did you ask him what he suddenly saw that he had never seen before? And you know well that you have … issues … issues with paranoia, with honesty, with trapping yourself with men you just happen to know. Did he use that? Did you let yourself fall for it? You have wounds that are not resolved, and they’ll never go away no matter how much you try to ignore them. Do you truly believe that this is the way to solve them? Look at him. Look at him for real. Is this what you’re attracted to, or did you just make yourself believe that because your friends wanted you to. Are you doing this only because you’re afraid to grow old alone? That is not an honest reason to make someone believe you love them, and you cannot have fallen in love with him in so short a time, especially from afar. 

You have spent the last few years as obsessed with me as I am with you, for whatever reason. It spoke to something deeper that you still refuse to admit. Is it fair to him that you pretend he has your undivided attention? And I assure you that you do not have his. That is simply the kind of man you choose, again and again. Look at him. Look deeply. Do you have anything in common with him, outside of sports? Do you physically long for him when he isn’t around? Do you believe for one second that his interest is sincere and not just the wont of a man who cannot get anyone else? Is this who you want to spend the short time you have left with? Is any of it real? 

You still have time to stop. Even if you made a sinful vow that was not wholly the truth. Leave it be. Annul it. You need to figure out who you are and heal your wounds before your find yourself with another man who is exactly like the rest you’ve been with. And you need to fucking repair the moral fabric of reality you tore in both of us with your lies. Face it. Face what you did. Face what I did. And face that you are giving yourself to a man who you don’t really want. What happened between us will not just go away, and no other man can make it. Are you using him as another excuse? Ask yourself and be honest with yourself. 

Don’t mistake me. I want you to be miserable, because you will not confess. And if he will make you miserable, after the honeymoon fades away, then you deserve it. but it does not have to be that way and has never had to be that way. 

You need to STOP … shout out the voices who always cheer you on in what is bad for you and and think. I loved you sincerely, no matter what they tell you. Does he? Or does he just need a woman, any woman, to make himself feel like a man? 

And now I leave you to your folly for good.